I decided to try out Wordpress and have moved the blog over.
Please follow us and our journey to a new URL: http://infertileinseattle.wordpress.com/
I'm looking forward to seeing you there...
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Period
The slight cramping that gave me hope on Saturday morning was foreshadowing of the news I was to receive that afternoon. I got the pregnancy test news at 1 pm and by 7 pm, my period had arrived. It was as if my body was holding out for the official word that this cycle was over.
I must admit that this month's friendly visitor comes with new meaning. It is a daily reminder of the embryo that no longer is and the baby that never was.
I bet there are hundreds, if not thousands, of young girls and women out there that breathed a sigh of great relief when their period arrived this month. It is amazing to think I was once on that side of the fence. It is hard to believe that there was a time in my life (noted 11+ years ago) when a positive pregnancy test was unwanted.
It is now the one thing in my life that mysteriously eludes me. It is the one thing in my life, I want the most.
I must admit that this month's friendly visitor comes with new meaning. It is a daily reminder of the embryo that no longer is and the baby that never was.
I bet there are hundreds, if not thousands, of young girls and women out there that breathed a sigh of great relief when their period arrived this month. It is amazing to think I was once on that side of the fence. It is hard to believe that there was a time in my life (noted 11+ years ago) when a positive pregnancy test was unwanted.
It is now the one thing in my life that mysteriously eludes me. It is the one thing in my life, I want the most.
Monday, March 22, 2010
A look back
As we decided what we want to do next, I wanted to take some time and remember and reflect on the road we've traveled thus far.
Here is a documentation of our journey over the past 2 years. Although I've been keeping detailed notes on each of our cycles, seeing the list of what we've gone through all in one place is a crazy reminder of the emotional and physical challenges we've faced. 8 medicated cycles. 4 rounds of IUI. 1 round of IVF. I wonder where our story will go from here...
May 19, 2008 -- Birth Control Ends. Let Baby Making Begin!
October 20, 2008 -- 161 days without a period. In to the Dr. I go for some Provera.
October 31, 2008 -- Provera brings on a Period. BBT Tracking Begins.
February 17, 2009 -- Sporadic Periods. Back to the Dr. I go.
February 28, 2009 -- 1st cycle on meds: Clomid.
March 29, 2009 -- 2nd cycle on meds: Clomid.
April 4, 2009 -- 1st visit to Reproductive Endocrinologist: Dr. Lynn Davis (SRM)
April 6, 2009 -- Hysterosonogram (to look at my uterus & fallopian tubes).
April 10, 2009 -- Follow-up Ultrasound to look at uterus
April 11, 2009 -- MRI to examine uterus. Septate uterus suspected.
May 10, 2009 -- Surgery on uterus.
June 1, 2009 -- 3rd cycle on meds: Clomid.
June 29, 2009 -- 4th cycle on meds: Clomid.
July 27, 2009 -- 5th cycle on meds: Letrozole and 1st round IUI.
August 23, 2009 -- 6th cycle on meds: Letrozole + Follistim and 2nd round IUI.
September 18, 2009 -- 7th cycle on meds: Letrozole + Follistim + Estrogen and 3rd round IUI.
October 8, 2009 -- Acupuncture Begins
October 14, 2009 -- 8th cycle on meds: Letrozole + Follistim + Estrogen and 4th round IUI.
December 8, 2009 -- Meet with new Reproductive Endocrinologist: Dr. Letterie (NCRS)
December 12, 2009 -- Monitor Natural Cycle
January 27, 2010 -- Begin IVF Suppression
February 25, 2010 -- Begin IVF Cycle
March 6, 2010 -- Egg Retrieval, 15 eggs
March 11, 2010 -- Day 5 Embryo Transfer, 1 Grade 3-4
March 20, 2010 -- Negative HCG Beta. IVF Cycle Failure.
Here is a documentation of our journey over the past 2 years. Although I've been keeping detailed notes on each of our cycles, seeing the list of what we've gone through all in one place is a crazy reminder of the emotional and physical challenges we've faced. 8 medicated cycles. 4 rounds of IUI. 1 round of IVF. I wonder where our story will go from here...
May 19, 2008 -- Birth Control Ends. Let Baby Making Begin!
October 20, 2008 -- 161 days without a period. In to the Dr. I go for some Provera.
October 31, 2008 -- Provera brings on a Period. BBT Tracking Begins.
February 17, 2009 -- Sporadic Periods. Back to the Dr. I go.
February 28, 2009 -- 1st cycle on meds: Clomid.
March 29, 2009 -- 2nd cycle on meds: Clomid.
April 4, 2009 -- 1st visit to Reproductive Endocrinologist: Dr. Lynn Davis (SRM)
April 6, 2009 -- Hysterosonogram (to look at my uterus & fallopian tubes).
April 10, 2009 -- Follow-up Ultrasound to look at uterus
April 11, 2009 -- MRI to examine uterus. Septate uterus suspected.
May 10, 2009 -- Surgery on uterus.
June 1, 2009 -- 3rd cycle on meds: Clomid.
June 29, 2009 -- 4th cycle on meds: Clomid.
July 27, 2009 -- 5th cycle on meds: Letrozole and 1st round IUI.
August 23, 2009 -- 6th cycle on meds: Letrozole + Follistim and 2nd round IUI.
September 18, 2009 -- 7th cycle on meds: Letrozole + Follistim + Estrogen and 3rd round IUI.
October 8, 2009 -- Acupuncture Begins
October 14, 2009 -- 8th cycle on meds: Letrozole + Follistim + Estrogen and 4th round IUI.
December 8, 2009 -- Meet with new Reproductive Endocrinologist: Dr. Letterie (NCRS)
December 12, 2009 -- Monitor Natural Cycle
January 27, 2010 -- Begin IVF Suppression
February 25, 2010 -- Begin IVF Cycle
March 6, 2010 -- Egg Retrieval, 15 eggs
March 11, 2010 -- Day 5 Embryo Transfer, 1 Grade 3-4
March 20, 2010 -- Negative HCG Beta. IVF Cycle Failure.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The Next Day
I went to bed early last night with puffy eyes and an awful headache as the 5 hours straight of crying took a toll on my body. I am sad about our failure, but much of the sadness I feel is about our future. I read about people who undergo 3, 4, and even 7 attempts at IVF. Some with sucess, others without it. How far will we go to have a baby?
The Dr. posted some extra notes along with the beta test results late yesterday afternoon on the online patient portal about the state of my lining when it was last checked. On the day of egg retrieval, when it should have been at its highest (9-11 mm), mine was noted as "measurements range from 3.74 to 5.65 mm." The patient portal is typically updated real time with results and details, so I think the delay of information was very intentional as was brief answer of "looks good" the Dr. provided when we inquired post-surgery. Now, my first instinct is to be upset that she misled me with that response. But at the same time I respect what she was doing. She knew we were committed to doing the transfer, so there was no point in giving us bad news going into it. Positive thinking and hope is what we needed, and in that moment that is what she gave us.
That additional information does serve to provide us with a possible explanation of what went wrong. We'll know more when we sit down with our Dr. to do our cycle review which I hope to get scheduled this week. The scary thing for me is that it makes no sense why my lining would have gotten thinner (it measured 7mm earlier that week) and be so thin with an estrodiol level in the 4000s. Lots of estrogen was definitely present in my body, it is almost as if my body just doesn't know how to process it correctly. In all of my research, it seems like this complication maybe one that is difficult, and sometimes, impossible to fix. And, that reality is what has me deathly afraid.
In speaking with my sister again last night about this added information, while she admits that as an OBGYN this level of reproductive endocrinology is out of her league, she also recognizes that this problem with my lining, despite high estrogen levels is a difficult one. Even with the best embryos, without a welcoming uterus, a baby cannot survive. The conversation eventually drifted to our other options including surrogacy and adoption. Both are options I know are there. Both are options I really can't face right now.
I wish I had a crystal ball and someone could tell me either way, if I will one day be able to carry a baby. I even jokingly told the Husband last night I wanted to see a psychic (he thought I said psychiatrist, should I be offended?!) to get some answers. I would go through 10 IVF cycles and 4000 shots if I knew one day I would be successful. As fearful as I was about all of the shots or the surgery, it is the fear of the unknown that is the worst fear of all.
The Dr. posted some extra notes along with the beta test results late yesterday afternoon on the online patient portal about the state of my lining when it was last checked. On the day of egg retrieval, when it should have been at its highest (9-11 mm), mine was noted as "measurements range from 3.74 to 5.65 mm." The patient portal is typically updated real time with results and details, so I think the delay of information was very intentional as was brief answer of "looks good" the Dr. provided when we inquired post-surgery. Now, my first instinct is to be upset that she misled me with that response. But at the same time I respect what she was doing. She knew we were committed to doing the transfer, so there was no point in giving us bad news going into it. Positive thinking and hope is what we needed, and in that moment that is what she gave us.
That additional information does serve to provide us with a possible explanation of what went wrong. We'll know more when we sit down with our Dr. to do our cycle review which I hope to get scheduled this week. The scary thing for me is that it makes no sense why my lining would have gotten thinner (it measured 7mm earlier that week) and be so thin with an estrodiol level in the 4000s. Lots of estrogen was definitely present in my body, it is almost as if my body just doesn't know how to process it correctly. In all of my research, it seems like this complication maybe one that is difficult, and sometimes, impossible to fix. And, that reality is what has me deathly afraid.
In speaking with my sister again last night about this added information, while she admits that as an OBGYN this level of reproductive endocrinology is out of her league, she also recognizes that this problem with my lining, despite high estrogen levels is a difficult one. Even with the best embryos, without a welcoming uterus, a baby cannot survive. The conversation eventually drifted to our other options including surrogacy and adoption. Both are options I know are there. Both are options I really can't face right now.
I wish I had a crystal ball and someone could tell me either way, if I will one day be able to carry a baby. I even jokingly told the Husband last night I wanted to see a psychic (he thought I said psychiatrist, should I be offended?!) to get some answers. I would go through 10 IVF cycles and 4000 shots if I knew one day I would be successful. As fearful as I was about all of the shots or the surgery, it is the fear of the unknown that is the worst fear of all.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Day 52: Negative
At 1:00 pm on the nose, we got the call we'd been waiting for. It came earlier than we expected (we were told between 2-5 pm) so we were out on a walk enjoying Lake Washington and the sun. I stopped dead in my tracks on the trail when the phone rang and the familiar 425 number appeared on screen.
"This is blah blah from Northwest Reproductive. I wish I had better news...."
It was in that moment that my throat constricted, my eyes welled with tears and I said: "It's negative, isn't it?"
"Yes, yes. I am sorry to tell you, you are not pregnant."
I don't remember much more of the conversation. I do remember the tears and sobs that came as I hung up the phone. The Husband was standing next to me and could tell the news immediately. He gracefully put his arm around me and led me to a nearby bench where we sat and cried. I am not sure how long we were there, my guess is about 35-40 minutes. Not too many words were exchanged during that period. Just the occasional "I can't believe it" or "where did it go wrong?"
The first and only phone calls I made were to my mom and my sister. I could barely choke the words out, "It didn't work." They were so sad for us, as were all of our friends. It seems that everyone wanted this for us just as much as we did. Today, we were all collectively disappointed by the news.
It's funny. I think deep down I new it was negative. As much as I tried to remain positive over the past 10 days, something in my gut told me this wasn't it. I tried and tried to bury that feeling with lots and lots of positive thoughts. I'd remind myself that the odds were on our side. 65% chance of it working. I'd talk to the Bean (that is what we nicknamed our embryo) everyday and rub my belly, but somehow I knew the Bean wasn't there talking back. The fact that I was scared and not excited to test, was further proof of my doubt.
But regardless of this intuition, I still held out hope and the news still managed to hit me like a ton of bricks. I am devastated. I never thought it was possible to feel this much pain and disappointment. My mind continues to race with thoughts of what happened, what went wrong, what will happen next. My heart continues to grieve for what could have been. My eyes can't seem to stop with the tears.
But despite the pain and sorrow we feel today, I know that life will go on. I know that tomorrow will be a new day. I know that we will try again.
I know that some day I will be a mother.
"This is blah blah from Northwest Reproductive. I wish I had better news...."
It was in that moment that my throat constricted, my eyes welled with tears and I said: "It's negative, isn't it?"
"Yes, yes. I am sorry to tell you, you are not pregnant."
I don't remember much more of the conversation. I do remember the tears and sobs that came as I hung up the phone. The Husband was standing next to me and could tell the news immediately. He gracefully put his arm around me and led me to a nearby bench where we sat and cried. I am not sure how long we were there, my guess is about 35-40 minutes. Not too many words were exchanged during that period. Just the occasional "I can't believe it" or "where did it go wrong?"
The first and only phone calls I made were to my mom and my sister. I could barely choke the words out, "It didn't work." They were so sad for us, as were all of our friends. It seems that everyone wanted this for us just as much as we did. Today, we were all collectively disappointed by the news.
It's funny. I think deep down I new it was negative. As much as I tried to remain positive over the past 10 days, something in my gut told me this wasn't it. I tried and tried to bury that feeling with lots and lots of positive thoughts. I'd remind myself that the odds were on our side. 65% chance of it working. I'd talk to the Bean (that is what we nicknamed our embryo) everyday and rub my belly, but somehow I knew the Bean wasn't there talking back. The fact that I was scared and not excited to test, was further proof of my doubt.
But regardless of this intuition, I still held out hope and the news still managed to hit me like a ton of bricks. I am devastated. I never thought it was possible to feel this much pain and disappointment. My mind continues to race with thoughts of what happened, what went wrong, what will happen next. My heart continues to grieve for what could have been. My eyes can't seem to stop with the tears.
But despite the pain and sorrow we feel today, I know that life will go on. I know that tomorrow will be a new day. I know that we will try again.
I know that some day I will be a mother.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Day 50: A Moment of Weakness
I stood in the shower tonight and had a moment of weakness thinking, "All I need is a home pregnancy tests and the answer would be mine!"
I went back and forth on the pros and cons of an early test while I stood there. As much as I want to know, I am SO SCARED about the results that I am deathly afraid of testing. I made up my mind before I got out that I've waited this long and another 48 hours for the "official" results wouldn't hurt me.
I must admit even after making that decision, I got out of the shower, dried off and checked under the bathroom cupboard to see if I had any extra pregnancy tests left from previous cycles. Thankfully I don't.
48 hours more. I can hardly wait!
I went back and forth on the pros and cons of an early test while I stood there. As much as I want to know, I am SO SCARED about the results that I am deathly afraid of testing. I made up my mind before I got out that I've waited this long and another 48 hours for the "official" results wouldn't hurt me.
I must admit even after making that decision, I got out of the shower, dried off and checked under the bathroom cupboard to see if I had any extra pregnancy tests left from previous cycles. Thankfully I don't.
48 hours more. I can hardly wait!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Day 48: Waiting, Waiting, Waiting
I am naturally a very impatient person and this week-long wait is killing me!! My emotions fluctuate from feeling very hopeful and optimistic to feeling domed and disappointed. Tears come easy and my mind is constantly wandering to my belly and what may or may not be growing inside of me. The past few days have been an emotional roller coaster and Saturday cannot come soon enough.
I am excited to hear the results. I am also so very scared. I know that whatever news we hear our lives will be forever changed. This IVF process has changed me and I know the result will forever impact me as well.
I so want it to be real. For all of our hard work and sacrifice to pay off. For the good news to be ours to share. For it to finally be my turn.
I am excited to hear the results. I am also so very scared. I know that whatever news we hear our lives will be forever changed. This IVF process has changed me and I know the result will forever impact me as well.
I so want it to be real. For all of our hard work and sacrifice to pay off. For the good news to be ours to share. For it to finally be my turn.
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