Day 52: Negative

At 1:00 pm on the nose, we got the call we'd been waiting for. It came earlier than we expected (we were told between 2-5 pm) so we were out on a walk enjoying Lake Washington and the sun. I stopped dead in my tracks on the trail when the phone rang and the familiar 425 number appeared on screen.

"This is blah blah from Northwest Reproductive. I wish I had better news...."

It was in that moment that my throat constricted, my eyes welled with tears and I said: "It's negative, isn't it?"

"Yes, yes. I am sorry to tell you, you are not pregnant."

I don't remember much more of the conversation. I do remember the tears and sobs that came as I hung up the phone. The Husband was standing next to me and could tell the news immediately. He gracefully put his arm around me and led me to a nearby bench where we sat and cried. I am not sure how long we were there, my guess is about 35-40 minutes. Not too many words were exchanged during that period. Just the occasional "I can't believe it" or "where did it go wrong?"

The first and only phone calls I made were to my mom and my sister. I could barely choke the words out, "It didn't work." They were so sad for us, as were all of our friends. It seems that everyone wanted this for us just as much as we did. Today, we were all collectively disappointed by the news.

It's funny. I think deep down I new it was negative. As much as I tried to remain positive over the past 10 days, something in my gut told me this wasn't it. I tried and tried to bury that feeling with lots and lots of positive thoughts. I'd remind myself that the odds were on our side. 65% chance of it working. I'd talk to the Bean (that is what we nicknamed our embryo) everyday and rub my belly, but somehow I knew the Bean wasn't there talking back. The fact that I was scared and not excited to test, was further proof of my doubt.

But regardless of this intuition, I still held out hope and the news still managed to hit me like a ton of bricks. I am devastated. I never thought it was possible to feel this much pain and disappointment. My mind continues to race with thoughts of what happened, what went wrong, what will happen next. My heart continues to grieve for what could have been. My eyes can't seem to stop with the tears.

But despite the pain and sorrow we feel today, I know that life will go on. I know that tomorrow will be a new day. I know that we will try again.

I know that some day I will be a mother.