The Next Day

I went to bed early last night with puffy eyes and an awful headache as the 5 hours straight of crying took a toll on my body. I am sad about our failure, but much of the sadness I feel is about our future. I read about people who undergo 3, 4, and even 7 attempts at IVF. Some with sucess, others without it. How far will we go to have a baby?

The Dr. posted some extra notes along with the beta test results late yesterday afternoon on the online patient portal about the state of my lining when it was last checked. On the day of egg retrieval, when it should have been at its highest (9-11 mm), mine was noted as "measurements range from 3.74 to 5.65 mm." The patient portal is typically updated real time with results and details, so I think the delay of information was very intentional as was brief answer of "looks good" the Dr. provided when we inquired post-surgery. Now, my first instinct is to be upset that she misled me with that response. But at the same time I respect what she was doing. She knew we were committed to doing the transfer, so there was no point in giving us bad news going into it. Positive thinking and hope is what we needed, and in that moment that is what she gave us.

That additional information does serve to provide us with a possible explanation of what went wrong. We'll know more when we sit down with our Dr. to do our cycle review which I hope to get scheduled this week. The scary thing for me is that it makes no sense why my lining would have gotten thinner (it measured 7mm earlier that week) and be so thin with an estrodiol level in the 4000s. Lots of estrogen was definitely present in my body, it is almost as if my body just doesn't know how to process it correctly. In all of my research, it seems like this complication maybe one that is difficult, and sometimes, impossible to fix. And, that reality is what has me deathly afraid.

In speaking with my sister again last night about this added information, while she admits that as an OBGYN this level of reproductive endocrinology is out of her league, she also recognizes that this problem with my lining, despite high estrogen levels is a difficult one. Even with the best embryos, without a welcoming uterus, a baby cannot survive. The conversation eventually drifted to our other options including surrogacy and adoption. Both are options I know are there. Both are options I really can't face right now.

I wish I had a crystal ball and someone could tell me either way, if I will one day be able to carry a baby. I even jokingly told the Husband last night I wanted to see a psychic (he thought I said psychiatrist, should I be offended?!) to get some answers. I would go through 10 IVF cycles and 4000 shots if I knew one day I would be successful. As fearful as I was about all of the shots or the surgery, it is the fear of the unknown that is the worst fear of all.